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As I sat alone on the morning of May 7th, 2018 I felt a wash of emotions run over me. I could feel the cold bench underneath me as I replayed the current events that had taken place in my life while the birds sang me their song of truth. I knew in that moment that the decisions I had made were from a place of truth within. For most of my life I had been scared of my own emotions, and how deep they would run within me. I've always been an emotional person who sees depth in everything and everyone. What is my strength is also my weakness. I tend to see the potential of something or someone, not what's actually being shown to me. I become blinded by " What could be ", and become blind to " What is ". As I sat there running through the coming events of my day, I felt a heaviness of guilt, regret, fear and surprisingly an abundance of relief.
As I would think about my day ahead I would get transported back to November. November was a moment in time when I decided to be honest with myself. I knew deep down that something wasn't right. I could feel that pull towards something different, and that different was scary. I have always been open to the idea of coaching. I have had multiple coaches in my time, anywhere from sports to life coaching. I deeply believe that we should all have one. Sometimes I would struggle with understanding my emotions, and would do a disservice to myself by speaking to people who were too close to me. You see, deep down everyone comes from a place of love, but can sometimes come off as more of an opinion rather than a place of compassion, empathy and wisdom. I have never dishonored my souls pull towards something new, and I could feel the rumble within of unease. I knew it was time to reach out, I knew it was time for deep spiritual counseling. I didn't realize it would become the intervention of my soul. One I deeply needed.
I had been with the same man for 7.5 years. We started dating in my early twenties, and were quick to move forward. We weren't together long before we moved in together and found ourselves in a great groove of life. After two years we moved to Niagara Falls, ON to his hometown to be close to his family. I was excited for this new adventure together. There was so much to look forward to. All signs pointed to " YES! Follow this path Stacy ", and so I listened to my soul and committed to this new adventure. This new phase of my life proved to be the most challenging time I have faced as a human being, and the most rewarding experience I have had as a soul.
It wasn't long after we moved there that I felt quickly out of place. My place of habitation felt strangely out of my control, and the feeling of " home " never seemed to come. As a young woman I felt the excitement for my future fade into a confusing mess of uncertainty. I had committed to this man, and even his family yet I strangely felt no commitment to me. It wasn't long before I started to wonder, " If he doesn't commit to me and I don't become a wife or a mother, who am I? " As I'm sure you can guess, this question prompted the biggest phase of spiritual growth that I have ever felt, and one that has been an unstoppable force since the day I vocalized those words. " Who Am I ? "
As I sip my tea and write this blog I can see the flash of the last 5 years. It has been full of resentment, guilt, shame, confusion, life and death, addictions, depression, blame, confrontation, and even the beauty of joy, love, sisterhood, unconditional love, family, growth and for myself the biggest lesson of all... SELF LOVE. In the last couple years I have come to learn that when you point your finger at other people, you can usually turn it around and point it at yourself. Most of the time we don't set our boundaries, but are upset when people walk all over us. We don't set and hold our standards for life, and are surprised when people treat us a certain way or fall short of our goals or desires. I could feel deep down that I needed to change. This wasn't about anyone else but me. My perception on how I was seeing my behaviors and the behaviors of others had become nothing but clouded and toxic. I didn't feel like I could trust anyone, I became very resentful and felt deeply hurt and manipulated. I also spent a good portion of 2-3 years taking those emotions out unconsciously on other people. I didn't feel like me, and I didn't know who I was.
September 2017 was a month of offering. My friend and coach Leah Notarianni owner of Soulful Hustlers, was taking registrations for a retreat in Bali coming up in the beginning in 2018. I originally was very resistant. I felt that I shouldn't have to go to a different country in order to search my soul. I originally turned it down. After weeks of contemplation I changed my mind. I didn't know how I was going to pay for it, but I knew I would make it happen. It became a priority as my soul needed this. On a deep emotional level I needed to find some peace. A month or so later the retreat was postponed due to the volcano that erupted in November. When I think of a volcano eruption I think of a sky of ash and lava, but the people of Bali think of evacuation, environmental damage, poor air quality, and the safety of their families. It really opened my mind to the grand scale of volcanoes and the power that can come from within our planet. The power from within, hmmm. Leah along with her life and business partner Bucky O'Neill decided instead to do a 12 week program with us. Discover, Live, and Thrive was the most intense 12 weeks I can consciously remember having. It called for change, and these were two coaches who really dug deep with me, into the soul that exists within me, and together along with my amazing group discovered the beliefs that had been holding me back for over 2 decades. To discover the patterns that emerged that had been showing themselves in everything I do or don't do, say or don't say. 12 weeks and on, of deep spiritual transformation. Transformation that I am ready to share with you in all of our upcoming blogs and shares.
At the age of 8 I became aware of the concept of a soul. This is thanks to my beautiful Aunt who introduced me to the concept, but I would also see how her ideas and mindset wasn't always met with the most open-mindedness. I learned that I could follow that path, but I would keep it silent. This mindset had become a deeply rooted belief within me, ingrained into my DNA. That I could learn and follow this path, but I won't share it with others because they may judge me. 20 years later of deep spiritual seeking and growth, I am finally ready to shed that old belief and step into all of who I am.
I am no longer seeking. I have been seeking the truth of my soul, moving towards what has been calling me ever since. I have moved towards and have finally stepped into who I am, loving every bit of her. The woman that I am who has in the last 20 years loved deeply and continues to love deeply because that is who she is, who sees and will always see the best in people, who grows constantly because growth is a deep value to her, who even when having a deep love for a man she shared almost 8 years with had to love herself enough and have the courage for herself to move towards her next calling, even if that means being single and surrendering to the life I had "planned"rather than trying to keep it together. To respect herself enough to believe in herself and the future she can create and deserves, and to share the journey she has been on and continues to embrace and walk. I reminded myself daily not to be resistant to life, but to love and embrace it. It doesn't have to be so hard if we just listen to what calls to us from within. In those moments when we keep our mouths shut are moments when we shut our soul down. The moments when we let fear dictate our lives are the moments we step back from truly living it.
Follow with me on my journey of a more holistic life, embrace all of what it offers, and stay with me as I share and shed more of my emotions and possible wisdom ;) on living a truly beautiful life by embracing all of who you are while I embrace all of who I am.
Wishing you all the love in the world, prosperity, and hope you may need to carry on in this beautiful wonderful life <3