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Too often I would find myself spending more energy trying not to say something rather than doing what I love. The product of that choice was constantly feeling like my ideas, opinions and even emotions weren't in a safe place of sharing. I would find myself screaming in my head, but my voice staying silent. It was as if I would wrap my hands around my mouth to stop my words from escaping.
The majority of the time it was paired with the fear that I would upset someone, or the fear of being judged. I find it fascinating how we let fear keep us in silence. I think it came from the experience of sharing information with multiple people and it being poorly received. I started to become conditioned to just stay quiet so I could avoid any disruption in my world around me. To keep a level of homeostasis. I would almost stay quiet out of survival. It became what Robin Sharma would call an Invisible Fence. Something I wouldn't dare cross even though I couldn't really see it.
It wasn't until the work of Brene Brown and her book Rising Strong came into my life where I realized where I went wrong. You see, sometimes I can be a very deep person. I would sometimes describe myself as being 3 beers to deep, but all the time. Most of the conversations I like to have are deep, raw and emotional. I don't see the point in having trivial conversations when there are deeper teachings beneath. Through my continued growth and with Brene by my side I realized that I had been sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with the wrong people. I wasn't sharing with those who had earned the right to hear my vulnerability, and in the end I only did a disservice to myself.
I noticed that if you don't have those couple people around you who you can talk to and share with you can feel very alone. I also believe it's not worth sacrificing your stories or emotions to others just so you can feel heard. I believe you earn the right to hear someones truth. To be that person I believe you need to encompass some of the following qualities:
- be someone who is diligent on earning the trust of others by staying true to your word and your integrity.
- be someone who understands that some information is to stay in the vault of honesty and security.
- be someone who understands that when trust is broken is quick to earn it back, not acting as if you should forget about it.
- be someone who honors you as a human being.
- be someone who is comfortable having uncomfortable conversations because they can actually create a deeper connection and understanding when had from the heart and with a shared goal and vision.
- be someone who can practice compassionate present listening.
- be someone who is authentic in their being and striving for their greatest potential.
- be someone who isn't scared to fail as failure is the companion of success.
I could find through the teachings of Brene where I had mistaken certain relationships. I felt that the closest people around me were the ones deserving of hearing my information when in fact that wasn't how it was for me. Sometimes the closest people to you aren't the ones you should be sharing the deep parts of you. I believe that when we share in the places we feel SHOULD be safe, that we forget to see the relationships for what they are. Again we become blind. Most of the time I would become aware to a relationship that was actually false. I would be a convenience to them, not a confidant. That is a hard thing to see...hard to see, and something you can't unsee.
I encourage myself and you to continue to share who you really are deep down inside, and as you strip your layers away continue to find those people who understand your vault. I also encourage you to practice some of those qualities above in yourself as I do in me. I know I can always be more compassionate, present and understanding. I can also be more courageous. I can think of many conversations I would like to have, but feel myself lacking the courage to begin. Lower the hands from your mouth, and allow yourself to breathe then speak. Be the one that dares to speak the truth.
I believe that when you really decide to take that first step into the arena of your life that you choose wisely who you want around you. I foresee many relationships and friendships falling into rubble as they are seen for what they are. Those relationships around you are the ones where there is a balance between the two, and if you aren't in the arena battling your own depths of being, you may find yourself in the company of people who may not really have your back when you need it.
Believe in your voice and the power of it. Believe that when you come from your heart that you speak with truth as that's where it resides. Truth does not reside in the mind. We over think, we over rationalize, we over prepare and we over analyze. I know this because I've done this. When you are connected to your heart then you are connected to your truth. When you speak from the heart you then speak your truth. Dare to speak the truth of your being before your mind slips in it's doubt and fear.
I will leave you with Brene and one of my favourite quotes by Theodore Roosevelt:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."
Wishing you all the love in the world, prosperity, and hope you may need to carry on in this beautiful wonderful life <3
Stacy.